StrUCK

Today I hate.

Dream on fatty.

Kategori: Livet





Every larva wants to be a butterfly
Every cat wants to be a lion
Every rino wants to be a unicorn
...and every human wants to be a photoshopped model.

Fucking Emo.

Kategori: Livet


Some days you just twist and turn.
Nothing is comfortable.
Not really uncomfortable either.
Just not quite right.


Fuck, I shouldnt have left bed this morning.

Fuck you I won't do what you tell me...

Kategori: Livet

Det är för tidigt på morgonen barn. Vad gör ni här?

Idag är en sådär schysst dag där jag kommer få påminna mig själv hela dagen om att det är fanimej fredag idag!

Lite musico meistro?
Ajjemen!






Vem av er trodde inte att jag gillade DMX?
Ah ok då. Jag får väl ge er något för stereotypens skull.



Nej men vafan?!
Nä asså skärpning nu flumbrud! Skaffa fram lite metal!

ZE BODIEZ!

Kategori: Livet





ZE BODIEZ! Hide Zem!!


Yeah, its saturday.  I just woke up and had a lovely cup of java with my sweetheart.
Ready for a new day of life I have some plans for this sunny day.
Firstly I will find something to wear, perchans that new shirt that I got at penis.
(Yeah, penneys.)

After that I will probably do a bit of tidying in the apartment, like one does when wasting time.
Tonight it's the leaving pint of my colleague and we will have dinner before that, me rebecka and pat.
Italian corner is offering a wide meny of nice italian food and my god, the desserts.
Also a wide arrange of drinks. Such as the Toblerone. Yum.

For the moment I am in complete cozy-mode with my baby's huge colleage shirt and my own bjorn borg pants.
The apartment is warm and nice and the coffee as well.

Should I buy something new for tonight? I did get a small bonus for such things...
Hm.

Ninja Signs

Kategori: Livet



http://oddlyspecific.com
I would love to tell you about my last night, it was horrid, cold and...horrid!
But I wont, at least not quite yet.

Todays find is Oddly Specific.
http://oddlyspecific.com

With the odd specifics of life. A rather difficult webpage to describe (or I am just dead tired after 2 hours of sleep last night) but it is amusing and contins streetsigns, warning signs and other signs with deadly accuracy.

They will all perish!

Kategori: Livet

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes, yes. Sure is busy here.”

Me: “I guess that’s because of the season, ma’am. Everyone’s out getting last-minute holiday gifts.”

Customer: “Oh, I see, yes. I haven’t needed to buy any gifts for a while. Everyone I love is dead.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!”

Customer: *stares at me intently* “Someday, everyone you love will be dead, too.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Merry Christmas, now!”


I have yet again discovered something impossibly wonderful!

http://notalwaysright.com

Especially delightful for us working in the line of service!

(Yes, today all the customers are off on holiday and yet I am here working.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like me to take your groceries to your car?”

Customer: “…into MY car?”

Me: “Yes, I can do that for you.”

Customer: “You want a lift in my car!”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can take your groceries to your car for you and return the trolley.”

Customer: “But I still have groceries in my trolley! You can’t take my trolley yet! I’m not done!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want to do it yourself, that’s fine.”

Customer: “Wait! I need help!”

Me: “Alright, where did you park your car?”

Customer: “Hold on! Why the h*** do you need to know where my car is?”

Me: “So I can put your things in there.”

Customer: “No, this doesn’t sound right. I’m onto you!”

(The customer shuffles away with her trolley, periodically turning around to look at me suspiciously.)

I don't like mornings, even when they are disguised as afternoons

Kategori: Livet

Julafton idag?
Jomenvisstserru! Jag ska till Patricks Mamma och Syster som är så fruktansvärt rara att de satt ihop en jul för Mig.
Jag skojar inte bort att de firade julafton den 25e som de där galna amerikanerna gör och nu, ett helt gäng med dagar efter den riktiga julen så har de satt ihop en NY jul för mig, eftersom jag var i Sverige när de firade jul tillsammans.

Amerikaner är mycket bättre på att säga tack än vad vi svenskar är, och speciellt när svenskarna är Jag.
Att de gör detta är så sjukt gulligt så jag vet inte var jag ska ta vägen eller ens vad jag skall säga. (Speciellt inte på engelska). Det är sådär genomgulligt så om jag kunde ge dem en katt-unge som kissade regnbågar så skulle jag göra det. (Och visst, den meningen kan jag översätta till engelska men jag tvivlar på att Patricks Mamma skulle uppskatta det så som jag menar det)



Jag får försöka iallafall.

För övrigt så trodde jag aldrig att jag skulle få köpa Footie-pajamas till någon, ever!
Men igår var jag och Bex på stan och jag hittade en som skulle precis passa Lisa, patricks syster.
För er som inte vet vad en Footie-pajamas är så kommer här en bild:




Men den jag köpte var i rosa och beige och med...gifarrer på! Hon kommer älska dem!


Nu är det Over and Out för jag måste klä mig och göra mig iordning.

You just take those rascals out in the swamp

Kategori: Livet





I ain't nothing but a simple man
Call me a redneck, I reckon that I am
But there's things goin' on that make me mad down to the core
I have to work like a dog to make ends meet
There's crooked politicians and crime in the street
And I'm madder than hell and I ain't gonna take it no more
We tell our kids to just say no
And then some panty waist judge lets a drug dealer go
And he slaps him on the wrist and he turns him back out on the town
Well, if I had my way with people sellin' dope
I'd take a big tall tree and a short piece of rope
And hang 'em up high and let 'em swing till the sun goes down

Chorus:
Well you know what's wrong with the world today
People done gone and put their Bibles away
There livin' by law of the jungle not the law of the land
Well the good book says it, so I know it's the truth
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
You'd better watch where you go
And remember where you've been
That's the way I see it I'm a simple man

Now, I'm the kind of man that wouldn't harm a mouse
But if I catch somebody breakin' in my house
I've got a twelve gauge shotgun waitin' on the other side
So don't go pushin' me against my will
I don't want to have to fight you but I durn sure will
So if you don't want trouble that you'd better just pass me on by
As far as I'm concerned there ain't no excuse
For the raping and the killing and the child abuse
And I've got a way to put and end to all that mess
You just take those rascals out in the swamp
Put them on their knees and tie 'em to a stump
And let the rattlers and the bugs and the alligators do the rest

When the warm arms of The Man turns into a Winter Wonderland

Kategori: Livet

I have been in sweden now for a few days and I can't begin to describe how much I miss Patrick, who is back at home tending to the christmas tree. It's like when you loose your watch or forget to bring your cell phone.
I feel naked and like I forgot something, like something is missing. I keep looking for it, over my shoulder and next to me in bed when I wake up, but I know it's not there.

It's lovely to be home in sweden too of course. I missed my family and it was good to see them all well and alive.
Tho right now I have fallen back to my place in the family, and things are just as they were back when I lived at home and went to school. I am sitting away from my family, who are in the living room watching tellie. I am by the computer, listening to slipknot in my headphones and writing. I feel like I am 16 again.

The song is a bit younger then that tho;



the first few days in sweden I just skept, I can barely remember them. I was so tired.
The last few weeks of work have been so intense and so heavy.
I care ALOT about my job, i care for it even more so as I love it. I guess the two kind of depend on each other. But the last few weeks it has been a curse, more so then a blessing. It was nice to have vacation, I really needed it.

Because it makes me feel more sane...

Kategori: Livet

Redo för en rant?

Kategori: Livet


Nu ska jag köra igen. Jag vet, jag är din stereotypa feminist som bara är arg mest
jämnt men som faktiskt inte gör så mycket åt skitsystemet som driver sina rostiga kugghjul
genom både märg och ben, men jag är så trött. Jag är så trött på att när jag
kliver upp på morgonen så beräknar jag en tid då jag skall hinna sminka mig innan
jag går till jobbet. När jag klär mig, varje jävla morgon, så viner det tankar genom mitt
huvud som jag vet inte är mina egna. "Tröjan sitter för tight över min tjocka mage."
"Byxorna är för små, jag kanske ska skippa frukosten?" "Varför har jag inte större bröst, läppar.
Smalare ben och varför varför varför ser min rumpa så konstigt fetplatt ut?"
Jag älskar mig själv. I en situation där jag skulle välja mellan mig själv och andra
människor så väljer jag mig själv i nästan alla fall, men ändå kan jag inte sluta
kritisera mig själv för de mest obetydelsefulla av ting.

Jag sitter hemma framför teven och jag ser reklam efter reklam där kvinnor poserar skönhet
med lager efter lager av fet massa på sin hud, i sitt hår och runt sina ögon.
Där man rent enkelt förklarar för mig att jag inte är nog så som jag är när jag vaknar.
När mitt hår står åt alla håll och min hud bara är så som den är. Där mina ögonfransar inte är
3 mil långa och jag luktar god-morgon andedräkt och täcke.

Sen att jag arbetar i en bransch som av tradition styrs av män gör att varje dag så är jag
ett pinnhål under mina manliga kollegor och jag måste sträcka nacken så långt att jag
kommer hem med ryggsmärtor varje dag för att ens vara i närheten av att få samma typ av
respekt och igenkännande för min karaktär och för min kunskap.

Jag tar på mig en mask varje morgon och den masken är den stenhårda bruden som inte
tar någons skit. Tjejen som man inte trampar på utan som istället trampar på dig.
Det är det enda sättet jag kommit på att hålla mig över ytan. Gör jag inte det kommer
jag att drunkna, snabbt.

Jag önskar att en vettig människa kunde gå fram till mig, klappa mig på axeln och säga
"Sådär, jag fixade världen. Nu får kvinnor lika mycket betalt som män och ingen kommer
någonsin att se ned på dig på grund av ditt kön." Istället blir jag bemött av kuttrande och
"nemen lilla gumman" när jag försöker resa mig och ta tag i det hela.
Ensam är stark men de stora rostiga kugghjulen som rullar över oss kan jag inte stoppa själv.
Fuck it...


I learned something today...

Kategori: Livet

Dear Diary.

I learned something today. Sometimes people can be really sexistic and say horribly insulting things simply because they don't know what else to say. And sometimes days at the force can be so stressfull you are still shaking when you get out of the bus on your way home. And sometimes you can stand in hours at the bank and get strange looks when you lost your bank-card for the third time in a short timespand. And sometimes, just sometimes you can find the craziest guy you have ever seen and join in his crazyness.



Let me explain.
I had a horrid day. Stressful and full of annoyingness. I lost my bankcard and got bad news about my christmas holidays. To top if off I found out some backstabbing news from a friend and it stung like the thorn of a rose...
Anywho. On my way home, as I was waiting for the bus I saw this guy. He looked as if he hadnt cut his hair in years, his eyes were shooting in diffrent directions and he was trying to stand completely still in the middle of the walk-way. Yes, your every day crazy dude.

I hesitated alot before I made my decision. I wanted to join in, so I did.
I walked over and I took whatever pose that my new crazy-man-friend took and soon enough we were talking. Or more like he was talking. He told me all about how the world is one and how it is all love and magic. How we could stand in this one spot and millions and millions of years could pass and how we wouldnt even notice.

I told him that it must be so cool to stand completely still in the stressed society that we live in today.
He chuckled at me and explained that "They are just a cloud...but I love them all..."

Made My Day.

http://itmademyday.com/

Not Quite there yet, but On my way...

Kategori: Livet

Today was a long day, very stressful and alot of complicated issues.
Tho highlight of the day was an email from service delivery management to my top manager telling her about my awesomeness. That felt really good.

Other then that I am delighted to hear that my sweet sweet boyfriend is planning on getting food from the store now.
The scent of mulled wine is filling the livingroom as I await the hot water to get ready for my soothing shower.
Tonight is a time to pamper myself. And my gawd, today I need it.

Apparently I am an evil witch too, (as if you didn't know ;D).
Had a note on my back when  I left work. It said "I am very Evil! BEWARE!!!!"
I think I am proud. Just a little. At the same time kind of asking myself if I was too hard on my prime suspect today.
Tho I don't think I could do it naturally in any other way. I am the whip-wielder after all..





On a diffent note.

I lost my card today...again. Hopefully it is still at work somewhere, and hopefully in my drawer.
Christ, head-ache. Time to pop into the shower...



Cheerio

FUCK YOU I AM AN ANTEATER!

Kategori: Livet

Asså, Kingdom Hospital laddningen tar grymt lång tid och jag är mycket missnöjd med detta.
Utöver det är klockan 05: 30 och jag häller härmed upp min andra kopp kaffe för en beräknad avfärd till mitt älskade jobb om sisådär 20 minuter eller så.


Jag vet inte varför jag påbörjade ett inlägg såhär tidigt på morgonen.
Jag har skrivit en mening och raderat den sisådär 20 gånger innan jag kom fram till detta.

En myrslok kanske gör det hela bättre?



Varför frågar jag ens? Klart det gör! Om ungefär 4000 euro och en villa (samt lite kollande efter kryphål i lagen om djurhållning på irland) så kommer jag Anthony! Då är det du och jag!
^5!




Och såhär glassiga var jag och elena på Oscars galan i fredags.
Jag vann pris för Best Red Crapeth outfit, eller snarare Marie Jackbson vann.
Men det är en helt annan rant för en helt annan morgon, vi var smokin iallafall!




Life is better on drugs

Kategori: Livet

http://www.kontraband.com/pics/9653/Illustrated-Acid-Trip/

Some stuff you probably never wanted to know, but will be happy you learned!

Kategori: Livet

If you eat a polar bear liver, you will die of vitamin A poisoning. As a carnivore which feeds largely upon fish-eating carnivores, the polar bear ingests large amounts of vitamin A, which is stored in its liver; in the past, humans have been poisoned by eating the livers of polar bears.

By 1800 B.C., the ass(Donkey) had reached the Middle East where the trading city of Damascus was referred to as the “City of Asses” in cuneiform texts.

The woodpeckers tongue is so long that it is not attached to the woodpecker's head as in most birds, but instead it curls back up around its skull, allowing it to be so long. Once the woodpecker locates an insects tunnel in a tree, it worms its tongue into the tunnel to try to locate the grub. The tongue of the woodpecker is long and ends in a barb. With its tongue the woodpecker skewers the grub and draws it out of the trunk.

When scientists first started capturing specimens of deep-sea Anglerfish, they noticed that all of the specimens were females. Almost all of them had what appeared to be parasites attached to them. It turned out that these "parasites" were the remains of male Anglerfish. The males have no digestive system, and thus are unable to feed independently. They must find a female quickly after hatching, or they will die.

Based on fossils, blood, and DNA, the closest living relatives of whales and dolphins are the Hippopotamus. Evidence shows that their ancestors split approximately 60 million years ago, and they are the closest living descendants of that ancestor species.

Calico cats (cats with coats of white, orange, and black fur) are almost always female. However, 1 in 3000 calico cats are males. These male calico cats have an extra X chromosome, and are usually sterile.

The Irish Wolfhound is considered to be the largest breed of dog. Male Irish Wolfhounds average between 36-40"(85-90cm) at the shoulders(withers). The average life span of an Irish Wolfhound is only six and a half years. Because of the large size and short lifespan of this breed, the Irish Wolfhound has a phenomenal growth rate as a puppy. When fed a proper diet, Irish Wolfhound puppies can grow over 3/4"(2cm) a week in height, and gain up to 1 pound(.45kg) a day. Irish Wolfhounds can grow to full size in as little as 8 months, although they are still considered puppies until 18 months old.
There are tales of Irish Wolfhounds being used in war to dismount warriors from the backs of horses, and of the dogs chasing lions away in Africa.

A meteoroid is particle floating in outer space that has a size ranging between a grain of sand and large boulder 10-50 meters across. Once a meteoroid enters the earth's atmosphere and becomes visible, it is considered a meteor. Most meteors burn up before they reach the ground. The remains of a meteor that impacts the earth, if it is not vaporized by the impact, is called a meteorite. Anything larger than a meteoroid is considered an asteroid.

Chevrolet produced the car Nova in hopes of selling world wide.However, sales seemed to be slow in Spain. After further investigation the people of Chevrolet uncovered that in spanish No Va means "No go".

I realised

Kategori: Livet

I realised that I didnt give much of an explanation to my previous add...

To explain myself a little I went to an extraordinary site called www.mysterygoogle.com.
They have a fnction that lets you search on google and the result of whatever the person before you searched for.
What I typed in was "If you are ready for a real mission email me" and then my email adress.

This crazy german follows my every lead, and I know I have used this pic before, but I feel this is a more suitable occasion.


The mission or how maria got the german arrested

Kategori: Livet


Maria:

First, soldier, you have to prepare for your mission.
This is the list of items that you will need:

1 x Teddy bear
1 x Bottle of ketchup
1 x unsuspecting neighbour
1 x bottle of glue alternatively duct tape.

Get back to me when you have acquired these items.


Over and out!

 

Tysk:

first part of mission completed.

over and out!

 

Maria:

Next step is to cut the teddy open, pour the ketchup into the pig and
await further instructions.

PS. If you have intestine-looking props hanging around, feel free to
include them.

PS2. If you are not soldier enough to kill a teddy for the sake of
mankind then you are NOT a soldier!

Get back to me when you have prepared the teddy!

Over

 

Tysk:

done. cruel person you are! but well, i guess ill have to do it heh. the teddy didnt even scream.

over and out!

 

Maria:

Good work soldier!!

Now, for the unsuspecting neighbour.
Does this neighbour have a car? Or any other sort of vehicle?


Over

 

Tysk:

the neighbours are really stupid. they've put mud in front of our frontdoor without any reason.
yes, they have a car. and theyr babykids bike ^^

over and out

 

 

Maria:

A grand observation soldier!
A child, hm? I like this already...

Addition to the list:

1 package of cooked spaghetti
More ketchup.

get back to me when the items are acquired.


Over!

 

Tysk

spaghettis will be cooked in about 8 mins.

spaghetti well cooked. they taste good.
i need more informations.

over and out

 

Maria:

Mix the pasta well with the ketchup. ALOT of ketchup.

Now, to the core of your mission, Soldier.
These neighbours you speak off will get a taste of their own spewing
guts on doors ans sitch.

For tonight soldier, you will place the bycycle by the car...

Is this a school / daycare night?


Over

 

Tysk:

well mixed. still tastes delicious.

schoolnight

 

Maria:

Good.

Now, what you do is you place the bicycle by the car (preferably in
the cover of night, like any good soldier would.)
You may want to include a friend or the likes for the next step.

You place the teddy on the hood of the car and the ketchup ed pasta on
the bicycle.
It is vital that you are not seen during this procedure.

Do you have ninja-training?


Over

 

 

Tysk:

ill do it with my two friends who live near my house. we will not be seen. i dont have ninja-training, but as im a balletdancer im very good in doing pirouettes to confuse my enemy.

over. part of the mission will be accomplished in about 15 mins, when they were here.

 

Maria:

Good work soldier!

I will check back with you later tonight.
No communication will be availible until then.

I suggest you hide these emails well.

Good luck Soldier!

Over and out

 

 

Tysk:

i shall be waiting for further instructions.

over and out

 

 

Maria:

What is your progress soldier?

Over.

Confusing innit?

Kategori: Livet

Jag vet att jag är en hemsk människa som blandar engelska och svenska inlägg som jag gör, men ibland orkar jag helt enkelt inte försöka trycka ut mig på engelska när allt jag vill göra är att berätta om allt det underbara jag hittat på den så kallade världsvida vebben.

Exempel nummer ett ä r inte fullt lika upplyftande, men väger upp i upplysande i jämnförelse med exempel nummer två. Here it goes;

Vi vet ju alla att www.google.com är en gudagåva.
Alla de svar vi alltid velat ha är här, inför våra fötter (fingrar).
Nu, mina damer och herrar, har jag funnit något som är inte dubbelt så bra utan 4(!) gånger så underbart.
Glassa era ögon på;

www.googlegooglegooglegoogle.com

Alla övriga kommentarer vore överflödiga.




Moving on.

Jo, jag har nyligen blivit ett stort fan av en sida som kort och gott heter My Life Is Average (www.mylifeisaverage.com) där folk berättar om de små under som sker en vanlig dag i ett vanligt liv.
Inte bara upplyftande utan även informativt. Helt klart värt att kolla in.
Är ni något mer åt det mörka hållet eller av någon anledning känner att ni vill ha dåliga nyheter så finns det även en resort för er. Då heter den Fuck My Life och adresse dit är simpelt www.fmylife.com

För att tydliggöra skillnaden mellan de två kommer här ett par exempel:


FMyLife:


Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML




MyLifeIsAverage:


Today my team and I were on our way to a basketball, when one girl pointed out that there was a bed ontop of an office building. I looked over to find that a man in his pj's was laying down in it. Sleep tight, Strange Roof Man. MLIA.



Givetvis finns det både bättre och sämre exempel på siten men det där är dem ni får.

Nu ska jag approva lite changes.
Senare idag lovar jag att posta om gårdagen och hur jag fick en tysk balettdansare arresterad i natt.

And the god damned rabbit stole my joint.

Kategori: Livet

Friday, thank fuck its finally friday.
Feels like I have been waiting since I was born for Friday to show up.
Today it's cold, no snow, but cold enough to wear a hat to work and be cozy and drink coffee not only to fight the head but to keep warm as well. Feels nice.

Anywho, I was thinking on my way to work this morning about how to save the world.
I gave up half way here.


 

 

Today I post a place for the blog www.textsfromlastnight.com
A nice place to contemplate tonights events.
Cheers.